


Underwater

by chang_pup



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, degrading
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2019-12-26 18:43:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18288053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chang_pup/pseuds/chang_pup
Summary: The comfort it gives when you submerge your body under the water but also the fear you feel the longer you stay. Holding your breath and you know you can end everything by yourself.





	1. run away

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't read if you feel uncomfortable with the tags. It is for your safety.

 

 

His chest is thumping like crazy as if he ran a marathon. He did ran and he is _still_ running away from the voices that will haunt him for days and _days_. Ran away from his classroom after his _inconvenient_ mistake. He starts to remember how weak and burdensome he is that no one wants to be paired with him. No one approaches him. No one even tried to.  

He understood them because he will probably do the same if he met himself and there’s no other way. He will just stay away from their way and let things happen. Smooth and _creamy_. Like the thickness of a cold, and creamy ice cream straight out of the machine is how intense the hatred thrown at him as soon as he closed the door behind him.

His eyesight is blurry and knows where he ended up. In the cubicle. Not a perfect place to stay away from everyone but enough to keep him _safe_. Tears started to roll down his cheeks and he never felt even more pathetic. Everyone is probably talking about him, telling others how weak and sensitive he is. Hiding when he’s supposed to face any obstacles. Brave? What’s the use of being courageous when you clearly know that you’re fragile like a new born baby?

They’re not wrong, though. He is aware of who he is but just doesn’t know how to deal with it when things happen so suddenly and quickly. He can’t decide for himself and think about it. Everything has to be decided on the spot and that suffocates him so much in front of the class. That’s when his body slowly starts to shut down itself.

The attention he gets is like a rope around his neck that strangles him. The eyes that want to leave bruises and telling him to disappear in front of everyone. His body that doesn’t want to move because he fears that every movement he makes will worsen the situation.

But his existence is enough to make everything complicated already. Maybe, he _shouldn’t_ breathe at all.

 

 

Changkyun leaned on the walls and holds his knees close to his chest on the tiled floor.  It’s been 10 minutes since he locked the loose cubicle. He doesn’t care if someone knocks on it and the door falls, exposing his vulnerability. He just want to go home and not encounter anyone in the hallways when he leaves the building.

 

 

It’s been an hour when the bell rings as the end of class or following class will begin shortly.

His chest is calm now but he is too scared to go out. He feels like a dead fish being thrown to the water to swim again. He feels too dead to be around these masked people smiling at him when he walks back to his previous classroom. No one is there but the professor who’s busy with his papers.

Changkyun sighed and picked up his bag. He heard a cleared throat and turned to the front.

“Changkyun, are _you_ okay?”

_No._

“Everyone was worried about you when you ran out of the room.”

_Lies._

“You can talk to your classmates what you missed a while ago.”

_You don’t have to remind me._

“And please if you feel unwell, tell me because I am willing to help you.”

_Bullshit. You will **never** understand me._

“I know it’s difficult to open up to anyone but keeping it to yourself won’t help. I remember when I—“

_Of course, you will talk about yourself again. You will talk about how you survived the hell but—_

“—after that, I was really happy and relieved. I thought medications won’t help me but they did.”

_I am not fucking sick. I AM **NOT**._

“Maybe, you should do a check-up.”

_Shut up. I AM NOT SICK!_

“Or do you want me to set your appointment? I know a good therapis—“

“ ** _Shut up!_** _”_

 

 

Changkyun surprised himself and watched the startled face of his professor before he frowned his face. He wanted to leave already as his body started shaking from regret and hatred. The eyes of the authority in front of him is slowly sucking the remaining energy in his body.

Now, everyone hates him. His voice probably echoed in the hallways and some students passed by and heard him. Recorded him and they will post it in their social platforms.

**_“A student screamed at his professor.”_ **

The comments will be full of his classmates talking about him _running out of the room_ and now he _comes back to scream at his professor like a child._ Always been treated like a child.

“I-“ Changkyun’s eyes started to get blurry and he can’t hear what his professor is trying to say. His face is wrinkled and obviously frowning.

_He is mad._

_He **hates** me. _

_E_ _veryone does._

 

 

_“I-I’m sorry.”_

 

 

Changkyun paced out of the building while trying to wear his hood. He bumps into people but never bothered to apologize. Everything feels too much. Suffocating him. Killing him.

He ran inside the house and removed his shoes. “Changkyun—“ He passed by his aunt and slammed the door of his room. Running inside his bathroom and filling the tub. Wiping his tears while he waits. Sniffling like a child who dropped his ice cream.

Once the tub was filled, he stripped his clothes and submerged his body. Not close to safety but warm enough to calm him down. He stayed in the tub for 20 minutes until he heard a knock. He resurfaced from the water and heard his aunt’s voice calling him for dinner. He sighed to himself and felt bad that he didn’t greet his aunt properly.

“What’s wrong with me?”

 

 

Changkyun sighed once again before he left his room, wearing his comfortable clothes and peeked at the corner. Then, he heard the door opened and it closed. Heavy footsteps owned by his uncle appeared and he looked wrecked on his formal clothes. Reeks with alcohol. Like always.

He felt bad that his aunt has to deal with this man’s bullshittery. He sometimes want to hurt him and strangle him until he begs for forgiveness.

 

“What are you looking at, kid?” The man looked offended because of Changkyun’s intense stare. The latter shook his head and felt a hand on his neck.

“Hello, Changkyun.” His aunt’s smile is similar to his mom and he wants to keep seeing it but there’s always _someone_ who takes their smiles away.

“Make me some dinner before I go again.”

His uncle dropped his things on the floor like a kid who doesn’t know how to put his things to their places. There’s silence before his aunt responds.

“But you just arrived… Do you have to go out again?”

 

Changkyun sighed before he walked in the kitchen and sets the table. His aunt already cooked and just needs to reheat it. He did everything before everyone is on their seat.

It is a quiet dinner but everyone knew that one word, it will detonate the toxicity. Changkyun knows someone is too daring to do it and he’s ready.

“So how’s school, Changkyun? Your teacher called me in the middle of my meeting about you being a fucking burden and coward. What are you? A fucking five years old?” His voice is piercing but Changkyun is used to it. It happens all the time when this man goes home to their home unless he decides to stay at his _secret affair_ ’s home.

“H-honey… You know Changkyun isn’t still used to be around others—“

“Stop treating him like a baby! He’s a full-grown ass man! He should fucking adjust to his environment! Not everyone will change for him!”

Changkyun remained quiet and stood up from his seat. “I don’t feel like eating.” He excused himself but his aunt’s eyes looked at him with pleading eyes. “You haven’t eaten properly for days, sweetheart. At least, have few spoonful and you can go to your room.” Her voice sounds scared and Changkyun looked at her then to his uncle who’s on his phone. “I’m sorry, auntie. I don’t really feel like it…”

His aunt understood him. She knows and tries to be there for him when she doesn’t need to. His reasons why he didn’t greet her earlier and why he always leaves the table. She nodded and smiled, “Okay, Changkyun. I’ll give you some fruits later, okay?”

“You’re like a girl on a period. Picky about everything. Why can’t you just eat what is given to you?” His uncle sipped his drink and cursed when it’s too hot.

Changkyun turned his back to them before he started walking away. “How can I eat when your existence is ruining the food as soon as you speak?” He mumbled and closed the door behind him. Locking it and turning off the lights.

 

 

He woke up from a phone call and answering it. Not realizing that he slept with no covers on.

“Hello?”

_“Changkyun?”_

“Oh, hello, hyung.”

_“Yes, hello. Thank goodness, you answered my call. I was so worried for days because you haven’t—“_

“I am sorry, hyung. I am just busy with school these days and don’t worry, I am doing okay.”

_“Really? Then that’s good, Changkyunnie.”_

“Yes, hyung.”

It turned quiet and both hearts are screaming for help and comfort but being a burden is always too much. It fills their hearts before they could even talk about it.

_“Should I sing you a lullaby?”_

“I am not a baby, hyung.”

_“You’re actually a baby stuck in an adult’s body.”_

“Just sing.” Changkyun softly laughs until he hears velvety and soothing voice. Comforting him and pushing away his troubled thoughts. He just want to run away with the owner and just _never come back_.

 

**_Sunrise with you on my chest_**  
_**No blinds in the place where I live**_  
_**Daybreak open your eyes**_  
_**'Cause this was only ever meant to be for one night**_  
_**Still, we're changing our minds here**_  
_**Be yours, be my dear**_  
_**So close with you on my lips**_  
_**Touch noses, feeling your breath**_  
_**Push your heart and pull away, yeah**_  
_**Be my summer in a winter day love**_  
_**I can't see one thing wrong**_  
_**Between the both of us**_  
_**Be mine, be mine, yeah**_  
_**Anytime, anytime**_  

_-Shawn Mendes "Fallin' All In You"_

 

 

 


	2. ups & downs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> my day is like a roller coaster. there are days that i start it with a frown and end it with a smile, vice versa or just...stuck at the top of the ride and not knowing if life will just let you drop and feel the thrill or leave you with anticipation, or disappointment like a broken roller coaster. i'm tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added more tags so please don't read if you feel uncomfortable with the tags. It is for your safety. Thank you.

 

 

Changkyun’s aunt opened the door after she heard the doorbell.

“Hello, ma’am. Is Changkyun inside?”

She smiled and nodded at the male in front of their doorstep, “Yes, Wonho. He is getting ready now.” She lets the young lad in before closing the door and going to the kitchen. “Would you like something to drink or you already had your breakfast?” She peeked through the counter while trying to take out the muffins she made.

“Yes, I already—“

“He’s lying. He haven’t eaten his breakfast.” Changkyun fixed his uniform before placing his bag on the countertop. His aunt widens her eyes and turned to the guilty faced male. “M-maybe just protein bar?”

They started their breakfast with sunshine and laughter. This is happiness for Changkyun. Around the people he loves the most and his everything. He can’t imagine being away from them for a day.

_His happy pills._

 

 

“Auntie, I should get going now.” Changkyun took his cup of coffee and kissed the cheek of his aunt who patted his cheeks. “I won’t be home later, Kyun-ah.” She fixed his hair before flashing a smile, only to meet the frown of her nephew. “Why? Where are you going?” The worry in his voice was evident.

“Your grandmother is asking for me after months of avoiding me.”

Changkyun frowned even more at the mentioned elderly, “Do you want me to pick you up after?”

She shook her head and pats his cheeks, “It’s okay, sweetheart. Don’t worry about me and worry about yourself, okay? I’ll text you when I leave the house. Take care.” She said and left a kiss on his forehead.

 

 

 

Changkyun and Wonho talked to each other until they arrived at the younger’s school grounds. Wonho bit his lips and kept fidgeting his hands. Not noticing the younger who went closer and looked at his face from below. “Are you okay? You seem nervous or something, hyung.”

Wonho’s cheeks heats up while he shakes his head, “I-it’s nothing…”

Changkyun rolled his eyes, “I am hundred and one percent sure it’s not nothing. What is it?” He said while he took out his hands from his pocket.

“D-do you want to go out later with others? Minhyuk mentioned a party to me yesterday and told me to invite you since Jooheon will also be there.”

Changkyun tilted his head while thinking about it for a minute before he nodded. “Sure, hyung. Let’s meet up by my place at 6pm.” Wonho nods back like an excited child and hugged the male in front of him.

“See you later, then. Take care and good luck.”

“Y-you, too.”

 

 

Changkyun received his aunt’s text and sent one back before going home. He made his way home while skipping and a smile on his face. It’s been a while since he felt excited for something and tonight is going to be a memorable one. He knows it. He is not going to waste this day with closed doors and under the blankets. He is going out of his comfort zone and have fun with his friends.

Digging through his closet and taking out clothes that he thinks will match.

High-waist boyfriend jeans with fishnet leggings underneath and a thin belt hugging his waist that paired with olive green crop-top hoodie. Changkyun puts on a lip tint, a bit of blush and soft red eyeshadow.

He heard the doorbell and hurried after picking up his black beanie. He opened the door and met a stunning male in front of him. A similar green bomber jacket, grey hoodie underneath and black ripped jeans.

“Hi, hyung.” Changkyun is aware that his cheeks looked redder than before but tried to ignore it. Wonho smiled at him and takes out his hand, “Let’s go?” The younger nodded and takes his hand after locking the door. They both felt the spark as soon as their hands met, making them blush even more.

They walked to the party because Wonho said it’s a walking distance but instead, it was a 15-20 minutes’ walk. Changkyun took a deep breath after they arrived and turned to the other male who’s smiling sheepishly at him. “You know how much I hate walks, hyung. You owe me one.”

“I know but it’s worth it because I get to spend more time with you and you talked a lot.” Wonho took the younger’s hand and placed a kiss on his knuckles.

“Let’s go. They’re probably waiting for us.”

Not witnessing the blush on the younger’s cheeks and tried to cover it by pulling down his beanie. Ignoring that fact that he can’t see where they are going and bumping to people while he is getting pulled by Wonho. The latter laughed when he looked at Changkyun and took this chance to pull him closer and kiss his cheek.

 

 

 

He doesn’t know what’s happening. _I can’t breathe. Please. I can’t breathe._

His eyes is unfocused and he can’t stop his body from shaking. He thought he will pass out and will never see his aunt. He felt hands cupping his face. His eyes remained blurry and voices kept talking to him. He couldn’t understand a thing and he just want to cry to himself.

 

_“Chang—“_

_“Changkyun! Breathe!”_

_“Someone get their car ready!”_

 

 

Changkyun doesn’t remember what happened next but found himself in someone’s arms. He looked around before looking up to the person. _Wonho._ He’s holding him tightly and his cheeks have streaks of tears. The younger never felt safer around someone before.

Changkyun softly smiled and carefully traced the older’s features. He was always fascinated at Wonho’s beauty since the beginning but he doesn’t have the heart to say it properly.

He’s scared.

He’s scared he’ll get pushed away at the end.

 

 

He smiled when the older moved his nose before poking it. “Wake up, hyung.” Changkyun whispers and waits for Wonho to open his eyes. As soon as their eyes met, they feel recharged and as if they saw the light of the darkness around them. Wonho stared at Changkyun’s eyes before his tears pools his eyes

“Don’t cry. I’m here.” The younger nuzzled his nose with the other before smiling. “I’m okay right now.”

“Please don’t scare me like that. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have—“ Wonho frowned while his tears threatens to fall _again_.

“Hyung. It’s not your fault. I wanted to spend time with everyone and especially you…”

Wonho cried and hugged Changkyun closer to him earning a soft laugh from the latter.

“I’m okay now that I’m with you.”

 

_“As long as I am with you, I am safe.”_

 

 

  

Then there’s a knock on the door, followed by voices screaming. “Changkyun! Open the door!” The mentioned male quickly stood up as Wonho sat up from the bed.

Changkyun opened the door and it almost pushed him down when he felt a sting on his cheek. “Honey!” He heard his aunt’s voice and arms around his head. “Changkyun didn’t do anything! I was the one who told him not to pick me up! Stop trying to blame him!” She yelled and held Changkyun close in her arms.

His uncle’s fists were tight and his eyes laid to Wonho who stood up, nervous yet stood up straight.

“Hello, sir.” He greeted to the man and received a glare. “What are you doing here in our home?!” He yelled once again, making Changkyun and his aunt flinch but Wonho knew better that lowering his guard down isn’t the best option.

“Get out right now before I force you to and throw you to jail for invasion of property.” He threatened Wonho who gulped.

 

Wonho looked at the younger’s aunt and what he saw was something he didn’t expect. She had a busted lips and eyes red from obviously crying. His eyes looked at Changkyun who’s obviously shaking as he walked towards the door. Then, he heard a panicked voice, making him look back and saw the younger in his aunt’s arms, unconscious. He was about to run to him when Changkyun’s uncle stood in front of him, completely blocking the way.

“Leave him be and never come back. He doesn’t need you, _at all_.”

 

 

Wonho arrived to his place and quickly taking out his phone. Dialing a certain person with shaking hands and nervous heart. “Please be okay, please answer your phone…” He whispered to himself while he waited.

_“The phone you’re trying reach—“_

_“The phone—“_

“Changkyun, answer the damn phone! Please!” Wonho yelled through the voice mail before breaking down, kneeling on the floor. “Please tell me you’re okay.”

“Please tell me you’re not hurt and you want me to get you out of there right now.”

 

“I’m _sorry_.”

“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you _this time_.”

 

 

 

Changkyun curled his body on his bed and bites his lips to stop himself from crying. His uncle got mad at him for letting his aunt go out alone and head home around midnight. _When he knew it wasn’t a good idea._

_“You’ve done nothing in this household but headache and pain! Why are you even here?!” The man held his chin between his hand and staring at the boy’s glossy eyes. “My sister should’ve just left you somewhere else but she begged me to save you, at least.” He roughly let go and turned his back._

_“You’re just a disappointment like everybody says.”_

 

“I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I’m sorry—“ He repeated the words like a mantra for so long that he doesn’t remember falling asleep at all.

 

 

 

 _“Changkyun_ _-ah.” A female voice called for him as he stared at the butterfly by the window. “Baby.” He turned and smiled. “Yes, mama?”_

_His mom showed a similar smile before gesturing him to come closer. Changkyun came down from his seat and laid beside his mom who carefully wrapped her arms around him. “Did you finish your homework?” She asked before running her hand through his hair. The boy nodded before looking up to her. “You? Did you finish drinking your medicine?”_

_His mom sadly smiled and nodded, “I did after my meal earlier.” Her eyes pools as she looked at his son’s eyes. Full of wonder and love like his father._

_“Mama, why are you crying?”_

_“I’m just happy that you’re here, baby.”_

_Changkyun’s small hands reached out and wiped her tears as they fall. He smiled and went closer to her face. His mom closed her eyes and felt pecks on her cheeks and eyelids. She smiled before lightly laughing when she opened her eyes. Her young boy is trying his best to make her smile._

_She knows. She knows that his young mind knows what’s coming for them in the next few months. But he’s trying his best to create more beautiful memories with her. She was trying her best to live as long as she can with her young son who’s been her sunshine and happy pills for years already._

_“I love you, Changkyun. Please don’t change your kind heart because you got it from your father who’s probably proud of you now.” She held her sleeping baby that’s on top of her, patting his back._

_“He once had a plan of exploring different places with us because it was his dream to create more memories as he grow older. He was happy. We’re all happy when we go to road trips and have picnics.” She didn’t notice she’s already crying as she continued going through the times they all spent together._

_“Changkyun…”_

_“You are our happiness and everything, Changkyun. I hope you know how much we love you so much and we pray to God that no one will hurt you when you grow older. Be who you are and please don’t change.” She kissed his forehead before humming a song she used to put Changkyun to sleep._

_“I love you so much.”_

 

 

Changkyun stared at his reflection, as tears roll down his cheeks. He observed his eyes and frowning lips before smirking. “You look so pathetic.” He said, clenching his fists. His eyes landed on the sharp object on the sink. He felt his wrists itch the longer he stared at the object.

 

Changkyun can feel his heart pace faster as he hesitated to reach for it. He looked at his shaking hand as he held the object between his fingers. He looked at his right wrist and the urge to just do it is suffocating him.

 

 

_Do it._

_It’s not worth it._

_It won’t hurt to try._

_You will regret it._

_No one will see it_

_Please, don’t hurt yourself._

_No one cares anyway._

 

Changkyun dropped the object and sobbed on the floor as he held his wrist. He closed his eyes tight and covered his ears. “Please stop it! Stop!” He told himself as he start to pull his hair. His mind is screaming in madness that he can’t hear his own voice and his phone going off for few minutes now.

 

 

 _No one_ can hear him even if he screams his heart out

But no one _dares_ to hear him anyway.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> This fic will mean so much to me because I started writing this when I was very ill and those days will keep haunting me. That means it will be dark and contains a lot of possible triggers.
> 
> Also writing/updating this means I'm expressing all of my suppressed emotions through writing. Pardon me if it's messy and confusing. Also, I'm sorry if I offended someone.
> 
> But this is all in my head ;; They didn't happen in real life so don't worry :)
> 
> Once again, please please don't read if you feel uncomfortable with the tags. It is for YOUR safety.  
> Thank you and I love you :)
> 
> [ twt & cc : chang_pup ]


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